I think I’ve pretty much gotten the hang of being a single mom. Everyone knows their schedules and expectations in this home and for the most part, we’re all doing well. However, there are still times in my life when I stop what I’m doing and say, “Wow. This is a lot of work and I need help.” Those moments haven’t lessened over the years; I’ve just learned how to 100% feel them. Sometimes, the only relief I can get is to have a good cry. As a mental health therapist, I know the importance of recognizing these feelings and allowing myself to sit in them but not stay in them. Here’s how I do that.
1) When I’m feeling really overwhelmed and don’t know what “to do” item to get done next, I make a bulleted list of things that need to be done. I either add these to the notes section of my phone or I hand write them on a notepad. Sometimes the act of seeing what I must do for the day decreases my anxiety and helps me prioritize things. It is also a huge sense of accomplishment as I check things off my list throughout the day.
2) When I feel jealousy creeping in after scrolling though social media and seeing all my friends posting pictures in their two-parent households, I take a deep breath and put my phone down. This doesn’t happen often because I am genuinely happy for my friends and their families but sometimes, I yearn for that same thing again. I recognize that it’s okay that I feel that desire and I acknowledge it. I might go for a run to clear my head, or I’ll go to my default activity which is cleaning. Cleaning always makes me feel better.
3) If I’m feeling lonely from having to do all the things a two-parent household does, I will either call my mom and cry, or I will sign up for a yoga class and practice mindfulness. I have learned not to shy away from the loneliness of single parenting but rather, to lean into it and be thankful that I am wiling and able to provide for my family in the ways that I do.
4) When I get angry about being a single parent (because yes, I do), I just acknowledge that there are some things, many things, beyond my control. I use that anger to fuel my next best thing. It might be me deciding to make a big feast for me and my kids that night and just enjoying each other’s company or it might be me planning a small trip for the four of us to take. I recognize the feeling of anger, own it, and use it to help me move forward.
5) At times I can feel jaded with all that has happened from the fall of my marriage, but when my mind starts thinking in that way and the words coming out of my mouth become a reflection of what’s in my heart, I know it’s time to change things around. I take my negative thoughts and break them down into smaller thoughts. For example, when I tell myself that I will never trust another partner again, I break that big thought down and work on a healthier thought of, “I may have come from something I could not trust but not everyone is the same. I now know what I want and don’t want. I know what I will tolerate and won’t tolerate” and that to me, is powerful knowledge. It’s also called growth and healing.
6) Most of the time, I just feel extremely proud of myself for where my kids and I are at. We have all worked hard to get to where we are emotionally, and I recognize that daily. When I’m feeling proud, I use that extra boost of energy and confidence to pour it into someone else. It might be another single mom who I know is struggling that day or it might be a friend who has poured into me from times past, whom I want to thank.
7) When I’m tired, I mean physically and mentally exhausted, I take a break. I put comfortable clothes on, light a candle, and play music to help me relax. Sometimes I order takeout and put a movie on. Whatever is happening, I know that my mind and body are telling me to slow down and recharge. I have learned that it is so important to listen to these cues because there is no other adult in my home who is looking out for me. It’s just me.
No matter what your situation as a single parent might look like, you can use these ideas to help you get back into a rhythm when things feel hard. Don’t forget to “reward” yourself throughout the days, weeks, months, and years that you’re walking through this. Recognizing where you were and where you are now is something worth celebrating.
Meagan Ruffing is a parenting journalist, mental health therapist, and single mom who tries to do her best each day. She doesn’t always get things right but continually strives to do better.