Tweens & Teens: Brutal Boyfriends
A parent’s worst nightmare: Her teen daughter’s fairytale relationship has somehow spiraled violently out of control, and she doesn’t seem to want to free herself from it.
Unfortunately, relationship violence is not all that uncommon. According to a 2019 report published by the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), “Nearly 1 in 11 female students report having experienced physical dating violence in the last year.”
Dating violence crosses all racial, economic, and social lines. Most victims are young women, who often keep their suffering secret, so it is typical that parents don’t find out until things have gotten extremely out of hand.
As a mother of a teenage daughter who was abused by a controlling and violent boyfriend, Heidi (name changed to protect privacy) explains, “We only found out because my husband took her phone for another reason and was shocked to see messages our daughter’s boyfriend was sending her.” Heidi says that Sabrina’s (name changed to protect privacy) boyfriend did not start mistreating her until months into the relationship. By that time, he had already established control over her. “He would tell her things like, ‘Your mom and dad don’t love you like I do,’” Heidi reports.
She says that the situation escalated rapidly. The abuse was both physical and verbal, but Heidi explains that Sabrina would hide the abuse from them. “The school called us one day and said that we had to get there immediately because our daughter had been hurt by her boyfriend.”
Heidi describes the fear, hopelessness, anger and frustration a parent feels when this is happening to her child. “It’s hard to understand how awful this is unless you are going through it.” The entire family is affected by the situation. “It started to affect our marriage and our other children because we were consumed with Sabrina’s situation.”
Can parents help their daughters out of the abyss?
Avoiding Abuse from the Get-Go
A healthy and loving relationship with male caregivers is a good prerequisite for future relationships because girls will know what to look for in a male companion. However, this does not guarantee that your daughter won’t become involved in a destructive relationship.
“The key lies in creating a strong loving bond between a daughter and her dad. This is the first relationship with a man that starts your daughter on her love map and later leads to her choice of men to date and marry,” explains Carole Lieberman, M.D., host of the weekly Internet radio show, Dr. Carole’s Couch, and member of the clinical faculty at U.C.L.A.’s Neuropsychiatric Institute.
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, founder of “This World: The Values Network” and international bestselling author of thirty books, including Ten Conversations You Need to Have with Your Children (William Morrow), counsels, “I reject the modern, fraudulent notion that you’re not supposed to meddle in your child’s life. Parents need to be up to speed on what their children are doing.”
Warning Signs
Some suitors don’t seem violent at first, so it is imperative that parents are aware of potential warning signs.
Christine Weber, Ph.D., a clinical neuropsychologist practicing in Seaford, NY, instructs parents to be wary of the following behaviors:
• Your teen stops sharing information with friends and family.
• Your teen becomes isolated because her abuser uses isolation to satisfy a need for control.
• Your teen defends or justifies the abuse (e.g., “He didn’t mean to shove me.”).
• Your teen drastically changes her appearance to satisfy her boyfriend’s needs instead of her own.
• Your teen’s boyfriend refuses to meet you. (Not necessarily a sign of abuse, but a general “red flag”).
Steps Parents Should Take
“If you really want your teen daughter to navigate her way through a difficult or abusive relationship, you need her to trust you; otherwise, she won’t even be able to hear you,” says Robert Epstein, Ph.D., a senior research psychologist at the American Institute for Behavioral Research and Technology and author of Teen 2.0: Saving Our Children and Families from the Torment of Adolescence (Linden Publishing). “The most important way to achieve this is to show her that you trust her judgment — don’t criticize her for being an idiot who is being taken advantage of by a defective male.”
Rabbi Boteach says that parents need to be in positions of authority but understand their child’s needs. “Rather than saying ‘I won’t allow it,’ ask questions about what your teen is feeling, such as ‘Do you feel this young man respects you?’”
Lieberman recommends that parents encourage their daughter to see a therapist, but must step in to protect their child from violence. “If she ignores your warnings and sneaks out anyway, contact the school and the police, especially if there is proof of physical abuse.”
Epstein urges parents to be on their daughter’s side by giving her a better quality of love than her boyfriend is giving. Unconditional love and being there to pick up the pieces is essential.
TIPS & TALES
“Teen girls should be leery of the guy who doesn’t want her to go out with her friends and family or gets jealous if he doesn’t have her attention. Red flag!”
— Laura Bongiorno, Hyde Park, NY
“Love is blind sometimes, but as parents we should be involved in our daughters’ relationships. Meet and get to know the boyfriend, but not in a controlling way.”
— Rhonda Dixon, Kingston, NY
“Often controlling relationships start out with a lot of attention which can be flattering. When they have someone who showers them with gifts, they think it’s the real thing. However, the gifts often come with strings, and the giver can be quite pushy about collecting.”
— Debbie St. Onge, Poughkeepsie, NY
Myrna Beth Haskell is the author of “LIONS and TIGERS and TEENS: Expert advice and support for the conscientious parent just like you” (Unlimited Publishing, LLC). Her work has appeared in publications across the U.S. as well as internationally. Learn more at www.myrnahaskell.com.