There’s no doubt that having children is probably the single most significant life-changing experience any of us face. Talk to any couple and they will tell you that the birth of their first child was one of those life markers they tend to measure their lives by — “I think that happened in 2014, because that was a year after little Susie was born,” we often say with a smile. For many single parents, though, the start of a “third” life came after a divorce, another significant life marker usually marked by scars rather than joy — “Oh, yes, that was the year before THE DIVORCE,” we moan.
Divorce is a significant experience not only because of the hurt and pain that accompany it, but it is a time when many single parents, especially mothers, feel trapped between the responsibilities of parenthood and making a living.
There’s increased pressure to be everything to the children because we feel guilty or are concerned about the ill affects divorce will have on them. Then there is the need to excel in the workplace to establish stability and income security — again, for the sake of the children and, frankly, basic survival. When a parent must do both, she finds herself agonizing over childcare issues — “I never meant for someone else to raise my child” — and financial worries — “I just can’t make it on one income.”
These concerns are common ones and, unfortunately, have no easy remedies. Yet, I strongly believe that no matter what life hands us, we always have choices. After divorce, the negative life marker will always be part of your life, but it doesn’t have to mean the end of a joyful and peaceful existence. In fact, it could mean a whole new beginning of joy and peace that may have eluded you in marriage.
Everything is a trade-off. We trade time for money and money for time on a daily basis. We barter, beg, and borrow based on our priority system. If it’s important enough, we make time or spend money because it matters. So, what it boils down to is asking yourself the question, “What brings me joy and peace?”
For most parents, joy comes in watching kids grow successfully, with strong self-esteems and exposure to many opportunities. One of the ways I believe God allows us to tolerate the rigors and emotionally draining aspects of parenting is in providing that wonderful feeling of joy when kids do or say something that helps us to know they are on the right track.
What about peace? Over the years, I have developed my own definition for peace, which goes something like this: Peace comes when we are happy with the path we’re on and have a pretty good idea where the path is leading us, even if we aren’t always successful or don’t always feel joyous along the way. Happiness is in making the journey, not in the reward.
The first step in determining what your choices are is in defining what will bring you joy and peace, and putting those at the top of your priority list. For example, if working full-time is robbing you of peace because you can’t keep track of your teenager after school or you don’t trust the low-cost childcare you have chosen, then find another way. Maybe the only reason you are in the job you are in is because it pays well. But if you hate it, you probably are not feeling very joyful about your work. I’m not saying that you should be going to work skipping and jumping, but you should derive some satisfaction or reward from the time that dominates your life.
Secondly, you need to be resourceful and look for opportunities. There are a million and one job sites on the Internet. There are books galore about home-based business ideas that could bring you more money and satisfaction.
Three years after I became a single parent, I decided to reduce my full-time job to part-time because I wanted to get my college degree before my kids got theirs! I started looking in the local papers and answered an ad for a freelance writer. I began writing for a public relations firm that paid me more than I was making part-time at my job. I was able to work from home, go to school while my kids were in school, and be there when they got home.
My son tells me now that it was one of the happiest moments of his life when he was able to come home on the bus for the first time and find me there. I would not have found that opportunity if I had not been seeking and keeping all my options open to achieve my goal of joy and peace. “Seek and you shall find” is a Biblical verse that still applies today. If you are:
• Tired of struggling with your teen: Go to counseling, focus on your similarities, listen more attentively
• Frustrated with your job: Find another one, work for yourself
• Worried about money: Cut expenses, get out of debt, find a new way to make more money, sell what you don’t need
• Feeling bad about yourself: Learn a new skill, attend church, step out and make new friends, talk to someone who will encourage you
A single parent friend of mine recently told me that she got tired of the corporate world, nylons, and high heels. She is the creative type, so she began making jewelry and selling it and started an interior artistry design business. She says money is really tight, but she and her son just laugh about it. “I’m here for the best time in his life. I can’t imagine ever looking back and wishing I did anything else.”
We live in a society that often teaches us to be a victim of our circumstances. We dupe ourselves into thinking someone else must be to blame for our trials and tribulations. If only my ex had not left me… if only the landlord would understand… if only my kids were not so rebellious. We can fill our lives with “if onlys” but that won’t bring us peace and joy. Only our choices can determine that.
Diane C. Dierks is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Atlanta, Georgia. She is co-host of the new podcast, Co-Parent Dilemmas (www.CPDilemmas.com, or wherever you get your podcasts). She is also author of The Co-Parent Toolbox (2014 Aha! Publishing) and Solo Parenting: Raising Strong & Happy Families (1997 Fairview Press).