In my conversations with many single parents, I often sense a feeling of hopelessness about their ongoing struggles. Simply maintaining what we have can be a challenge that doesn’t seem to leave much room for personal growth.
Finding ways to branch out and discover new territories is something we tend to save for a later day — maybe after we’ve found another partner to take over half the load.
Although I understand the frustrations that accompany single parenthood, I’ve also discovered a whole new world is waiting for each of us who is willing to expand our mind and take a chance on becoming a more effective parent and well-rounded person, without the benefit of a marital relationship.
We tend to get so caught up in the negative aspects of single parenting that we find ourselves wishing away this horrible fate. I cringe when I hear single parents lamenting their existence, wishing for a better day when they’ll meet someone who will solve all their problems. Blended families tend to present a whole new set of challenges.
I agree that circumstances leading up to single parenthood are often negative experiences and are usually unplanned, but I like the expression “better a live dog than a dead lion!” In other words, you may not think you have the strength of a two-parent family, but you are still alive and kicking. Furthermore, strength in numbers doesn’t necessarily apply in every situation. The key to change and success is not in a partnership, but in your ability to use the negative energy left over from divorce, death, or unwanted pregnancy, to find new purpose and branch out into unknown areas.
Every two years during an Olympic season, we have a great opportunity to witness countless demonstrations of the human spirit that cause our hearts to pound and tears to well in our eyes. We like to see others overcome the seemingly impossible and beat the odds. So why are we any different? We probably won’t get any media coverage or medal honors for our determination, but what an incredible feeling to find true satisfaction and reward living the life of a successful single parent. The first step toward success entails asking yourself a few questions:
1) What (not who) will bring me happiness?
2) What can I, alone, teach my children about life?
3) How do I want them to remember me as a parent?
4) How can my example affect others positively?
Not surprisingly, you will probably answer these questions with “I don’t know” at first. Take a month or two to really think through the answers. This isn’t something that can be decided in a few hours. It takes courage to tackle these inner feelings and act on them, so give yourself the amount of time you need to become committed to your goals. Write them down and reread them often until you feel absolutely comfortable.
The next step is to come up with actions that will bring about desired results. These can be as difficult as joining a support group or going back to college, or as simple as painting your bedroom your favorite color or changing your brand of make-up. Whatever the actions are, be specific and keep them within reach. Don’t overwhelm yourself — but don’t underestimate yourself either.
I recently talked with a mother who has been single for eight years and is purchasing her first home. She had worked two jobs to come up with the down payment and was able to buy a new four-bedroom home in a nice neighborhood. She said the excitement didn’t come in living in the home. The true excitement was in working toward a goal that had purpose and meaning for her.
The moral of the story is not to hang in there with yourself until Mr. or Mrs. Right comes along. The moral of the story is to stop thinking of yourself as a misfit, incomplete without the help of a partner. Begin to see yourself as someone who is capable of demonstrating that human spirit and providing an important example to those who matter most — your children. They will then see you as a confident, successful, and content person who cares enough to parent with the proper foundation, built on a healthy self-esteem. I can’t think of a better goal to work toward.
Diane C. Dierks is a marriage and family therapist in Atlanta, Georgia. She is author of “Solo Parenting: Raising Strong and Happy Families” (Fairview Press, 1997) and “The Co-Parent Tool Box” (Aha! Publishing, 2014). For more information, find her on the web at www.dianedierks.com or like her Facebook page at www.facebook.com/divorcehealing.