There are a couple of reasons that parents become anxious after divorce about their kids’ mental health. First of all, we have been bombarded over the years with statistics that tell us that children of divorce are at risk for a variety of bad behaviors and poor outcomes. That causes many parents to be hypersensitive to how a family break-up will takes its toll on the kids.
Secondly, they may lack basic parenting skills to support their children in times of transition. Parents often don’t know how to get themselves through a crisis, let alone guide their kids through it. Rather than jumping to the conclusion that kids need counseling simply because mom and dad are fearful or unskilled, it is better to assess the following factors:
1) Child’s Age.
When a parent brings a very young child (under age seven) to me for counseling, there is a very high chance that whatever the issues are with the child, they can be resolved by working with the parent instead of the child. Very rarely will a child that young have emotional issues stemming from a divorce unless there has been something more severe going on in the family, such as serious abuse or neglect.
Young children may react to the tension or stress in the home by acting out or regressing to infantile behaviors. In this case, kids will usually return to normal when their parents reinstate important routines or apply appropriate discipline.
Children who are seven to twelve years old may benefit from talking to a counselor if they are having difficulty controlling their anger or concentrating on schoolwork because of the changes going on in the family. Likewise, teenagers may want to talk with a counselor in order to vent frustrations or so that a neutral person can help them understand their feelings about the divorce. Older children often choose not to talk to their parents because they don’t want to hurt either of them if they express strong feelings about the divorce. In this way, counseling can be beneficial, especially if the child requests it.
2) Child’s Behavior.
When parents ask me if I think their child needs counseling, I am first of all interested in whether or not the child is acting outside of his or her normal behavior. In other words, if your kids’ sleeping and eating habits seem normal, they are not misbehaving or withdrawing from activities or friends, and their schoolwork is not taking a dive, then there are no outward signs that would indicate counseling is in order. The old adage, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” is appropriate here.
In fact, the divorce may actually bring some relief if the family has been in turmoil for a very long time. If kids have been living in the battle zone for most of their lives, they may become more relaxed after divorce when they are finally allowed to live in peace.
Other children, whose parents have been supportive, loving, and very conscientious about keeping their kids out of the middle of the conflict, will fare quite well after divorce because they have two parents they can talk to honestly about their feelings. This aspect alone can help kids navigate family change in a healthy, positive way. This does not mean they will skip the grieving process after the change, but these kids typically will be highly functional during their grief because of the amount of family support they receive.
3) Child’s Involvement in the Conflict.
If one or both parents are habitually placing their kids in the middle of their divorce or post-divorce conflicts, counseling is almost always in order for not only the children, but the parents, too. It may be difficult for parents to gain the proper perspective if they are caught up in “winning” their case rather than protecting their kids.
If one parent persists in placing the children in the middle and the other parent continually has to counteract it by pulling them out of the middle, there is likely to be serious fallout for the child, despite one parent’s efforts to counterbalance it. In these cases, family counseling can be beneficial to help parents strategize on how to keep from getting into unnecessary conflicts and to help kids feel supported and affirmed while their parents are learning important skills. Unfortunately, parents in these situations are less prone to focusing on their kids’ needs to begin with and will often fail to see the need to involve a skilled therapist.
4) Child’s Desire.
If a child requests to see a counselor, there is good reason to comply. Spending time in the counseling room with the child at first will be helpful for you to learn what is behind this request and how you can help. However, kids, most often teens, who insist they do not need counseling, may be doing so because they are fearful of the process, misunderstand it, or don’t want to think there is something wrong with them. This can sometimes be resolved by explaining that counseling can provide a non-judgmental place to vent and that it in no way indicates they are abnormal or sick.
If they still are resistant, it is better to wait and check in often with them to see how they are doing and let them know the offer still stands if they ever want it. Forcing the issue will likely be counterproductive. However, if a teen’s behavior becomes extremely problematic, then it is advisable to override their feelings and err on the side of caution. They may be engaging in risky behavior that needs to be assessed by a professional.
After several counseling sessions with a child, I have often found that if the parent could have done what I did, the kids would not have needed to see me, and they would have gotten valuable support from the people they love and trust the most.
In most cases, parents who are able to help their kids with anger management, stress reduction, and offer a patient listening ear are much more effective than any counselor can be — simply because kids crave their parents love, attention and support. Therefore, it may be advisable to visit with a counselor yourself before taking the children, so that you and the counselor can decide together if the kids need counseling or you simply need parenting support and skill-building. You may choose one or both options, but either way, you will be deciding based on your child’s needs rather than reacting to your own anxiety.
Diane C. Dierks is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Atlanta, Georgia. She is also author of The Co-Parent Toolbox (2014 Aha! Publishing) and Solo Parenting: Raising Strong & Happy Families (1997 Fairview Press). For more information visit her website is www.dianedierks.com.