I was helping my 10-year-old daughter get ready for bed the other night when she said something that stopped me in my tracks. She said, “Mom, it’s like a new start.” She was referring to the recent news of her dad getting remarried and their upcoming move to a new town. I was struck by the sound of hope in her sweet little voice, but also struggling inside to be as positive as her. I was both happy for her and sad for me. The idea of my children not being in the same home as me all the time was something I had grieved five years ago when I got divorced. This felt like I was grieving all over again with the news of them moving farther away. It didn’t feel like a fresh start to me. It felt unfair.
I found myself holding on to her positive outlook on things and decided to get curious about why I was feeling that way, rather than sitting in the unfairness of it all. I knew I needed to embrace what was coming while feeling what I needed to feel. Simply put, I had to give myself a fresh start in the way that I was approaching things as a single mom. I had to really grieve the old and celebrate the new so that I could show up for my daughter as a supportive person. Being genuine and authentic while you’re hurting is a hard thing to do. However, I kept replaying my daughter’s voice in my head and decided on what my fresh start would look like.
If you’re newly divorced, in the middle of a divorce, or farther along in your years as a single mom, I encourage you to define what your fresh start will be. It may look different than mine and that’s okay. The important thing is to shift your attitude and perspective towards the future rather than staying in the past. Focusing on what you want your life to look like, the type of people you want around you, and the goals you have for yourself, will help you keep going in the right direction. These are things I did when I found myself ruminating on past hurts and feeling stuck.
1. I went on a walk every day for 60 days. I have no idea why I picked the number 60, other than it just felt right. I bought a new pair of ear buds, downloaded some new audiobooks, and started trekking through the trails around my house. Not only did I feel a sense of accomplishment, but I also lost a few pounds.
2. I did nice things for other people so I could focus on something other than myself. I surprised my neighbors with flowers and sent funny cards in the mail to long distance friends.
3. I started putting more effort into making my daughter’s lunch for school. I recognized that it made me happy to write her notes every day, so I found some artsy things to spruce up her lunchbox. Packing her lunch used to feel like one more thing on my to do list, but I have started to look forward to it since establishing my fresh start.
4. My self-care became non-negotiable. Instead of looking at naps, brunch with friends, or coffee dates as things that needed to be scheduled all the time, I approached my kid-less weekends with a more laissez-faire attitude and allowed myself to go with the flow. This approach has given me more balance between how structured I am during the work week and how much more relaxed I can be on the weekends.
5. I ramped up my personal therapy appointments. I am used to seeing my therapist on a ‘needs’ basis but decided to start scheduling more regularly to help with accountability. I don’t always feel like I have a lot to talk about, but I’ve noticed it helps me stay focused on my healing and moving forward.
6. I bought more plants to put inside my house. I had a plethora of fake ones here and there but when a friend gifted me a live plant for my birthday, I felt awakened. I looked over at that plant on my kitchen table every morning while I made my coffee and smiled. I decided I would buy another, bigger plant to put near my front door. These plants have become a visual reminder for me that I can have a fresh start each day.
7. I make to-do lists when I’m feeling overwhelmed and sad. If I have down days, and yes, I still do, I make a to-do list to help organize my thoughts. It feels less stressful and more helpful than letting all the things ruminate in my head.
Your fresh start might be making it through the day and heading into the next. Divorce and single parenting can show up differently for everyone. Remember to notice what is coming up for you, be curious about it, and decide how you will approach your fresh start.
Meagan Ruffing is a parenting journalist and marriage and family therapist. She is looking forward to many more fresh starts this spring.