Consider all the socializing you do each month: family gatherings, trips to the store, maybe a recital of some kind. Each with different social norms and constructs. We have to navigate the sarcastic cousin or aunt we barely know, the cranky customer or too friendly clerk, rules about not taking photographs yet everyone seems to be taking pictures anyhow. Each location has its own social norms, some that make sense and some that don’t. Now imagine if you are significantly impacted by bright lights, unable to differentiate sounds, or have a communication disorder making the ability to hear or form words a challenge. Would that change how you interact? If you are the parent of a child with autism, an intellectual disability, or an auditory processing disorder among countless others, you likely know social situations can be an exhausting experience.
People with neurotypicals often have no idea how lighting (the sight and/or the buzzing of the bulbs), simple small talk (do we really need to talk about the weather again?), and even seating charts at parties (who uses this glass?) can be massive hurdles to our children. Still, it’s important that we caregivers continue to encourage, model, and support our children as they learn to take part in these behaviors.
Children with autism, anxiety, or processing disorders grow up to be adults with autism, anxiety, or processing disorders. And, those with disabilities, specifically autism, are often socially isolated more than other groups of people, so sharing social experiences is important. Having them engage in everyday activities is important for increased quality of life and general overall functioning. There are some simple strategies you can use to help your child navigate social situations. And, if you are a neurotypical, there are easy ways to help others that are not.
STRATEGIES FOR CAREGIVERS AT SOCIAL EVENTS
As the caregiver, set your own expectations of what can be accomplished and the time it will take. If running errands, be sure to prioritize your stops in case the trip needs to be cut short. Consider creating a travel bag that includes items that will help your child, which may include headphones, fidget spinners, or any comfort item it might take for your child to have success in the environment. Articulate the ‘rules’ of shopping because research shows us these behaviors are learned through direct, explicit instruction. We watch where we are walking and move to the side to let other shoppers pass. We apologize if we bump into someone. We stand in line, even if the line is long, and we certainly don’t scream about it.
Holiday parties do only happen once a year, but you can ‘practice’ by getting together with family or large social groups on a regular basis. Practice before attending. Role play saying hello and asking questions. Practice how to answer questions such as “How are you?” and “What’s up?” And, discuss appropriate food behaviors. Help your child practice taking one or two items at a time in a buffet line. Practice using tongs and spoons to scoop. Again, patient, calm direction instruction of these skills is important; our kids don’t pick up social cues like others, so don’t assume they will here either!
If it’s possible to talk to doctors, hosts, hotel attendants, and church members to explain your child’s disability, do it — especially if your child’s disability isn’t easily recognizable. Have your child meet with anybody they might encounter. It provides the opportunity to educate others, and allows others the ability to assist in your child’s experience. Most people don’t mean to be offensive and impatient, and we cannot expect them to understand what has taken us time to learn.
Another important consideration is finding support groups and events specific to the disability / disabilities your child may have. Our children need to have peers that ‘get it’ and a place in which they can socialize in a way that feels natural to them.
SUGGESTIONS FOR NEUROTYPICALS TO HELP OTHERS
I am grateful my son has so many abilities, and I know I (and he) am lucky for all he can do. But there were, and still are, times when I wish his disabilities were obvious to strangers. Invisible disabilities can be a challenge because it is harder for people to understand why he may act a certain way. I was often torn (and still am) as to when to tell people about my child’s disabilities in hopes it would make them more patient, a bit kinder, or at the very least, respond when he attempts to connect.
Here are a few things you can do if you interact daily with people with disabilities or families with a person with a disability:
1. Ask questions. If hosting a party, could you make a hot dog or other sensory friendly food? Or place food in a certain location? Should you have a quieter space available? Should hallways and rooms be cleared for assisted devices? If there is a speech issue, is it better to allow the person to complete sentences or assist them with communication? Should pets be introduced slowly, or perhaps put in another room
2. Do some research on the disability of loved ones to get a general understanding of the disability, but don’t assume everyone with Autism or anxiety acts the same.
3. Still address the person with the disability as you would anyone else. Make eye contact and say hello, offer food/drinks, let them know what options they have as to toys/places to sit. If the caregiver needs to interpret, they will. However, they will be grateful you saw their child as a human individual person.
If you see a stranger with a disability, consider these suggestions:
1. If the person is struggling and you are comfortable offering help, do so.
2. Be patient. Many stores (thankfully!) now employ more people with disabilities. In a local grocery store one employee walks aisles stocking shelves, but loves to tell customers to enjoy their shopping experience. You might hear it ten times in a trip, but that’s okay! This is a great time to engage in short conversation, especially if you have neurotypical children with you. Model that all people deserve respect and gratitude for jobs well done.
3. If your child discusses the ‘weird’ kid at a store or social gathering, talk about it. Discuss how they can be kind, patient, and inclusive. We parents of children with disabilities are working with our children to navigate social situations, so should those of neurotypicals teach their children. After all, we are in this community together and everybody has value.
The following resources provide tips and strategies for assisting your loved one in social situations:
Autismspeaks.org (https://bit.ly/47scEO7)
Ldonline.org (https://bit.ly/3vr3iou)
Julia Garstecki Derkovitz is an author of dozens of children’s books and is a teacher at Bryant & Stratton. She has years of experience working with children and adults with special needs.