About a month before Violet was born, I accepted a new position with a company that was able to provide a better opportunity for me and my family. I wanted to work closer to home so I could be more available to help Andrea when the baby arrived. If need be, I could run home and be right back at work in a matter of minutes. Also, Violet’s daycare is right down the street, which makes life easier for dropping off and picking up.
One of the things that come with starting a new job is meeting all your new co-workers, and with that comes the standard Q&A session. Everybody wants to get to know you, where you’re from, where you’ve worked before, and usually if you’re married. But a question you can almost guarantee they’ll ask you is if you have any children. And before we did, the answer was easy. It was always a quick no, with a barrage of incoming questions soon to follow: “Do you want children?” “When do you want them?” and “How many do you want?” My favorite question is, “Why are you waiting so long to have kids? You’re kind of getting kind of old.”
After Louis died, I dreaded the day I would have to meet someone new because I knew there was a good chance they would ask me if I had any children and I wasn't prepared to give my answer. Sadly, I was more concerned about how the other person would feel when I told them the truth. I worried I’d make them feel sad or angry when I told them. I hate to admit it, but at one point I even thought about lying and saying that I didn’t have any children because I thought it would be easier that way. But I couldn’t do that to Louis. I didn’t want to dishonor him.
For weeks I rehearsed what I would say. I went online and searched for answers to see how other loss-parents handled this type of situation. I read blogs and watched video diaries to see what everyone else was doing. I was relieved when I saw that some other parents also thought about lying.
The takeaway I got from researching other people's experiences was that it was best, to be honest, and to find a way of saying it that worked for me. Also, I shouldn’t waste any time worrying about how other people might feel when I tell them my truth.
What I came up with was simple. When someone would ask: “Do you have children?” I would reply with: “Yes, I do. I have a son, Louis, but he passed away.” It’s simple and straight to the point. I didn’t want there to be any confusion or delay in response. And if they had any questions about what happened and seemed open to hearing his story, I would happily tell them.
I’ve since been asked about children many times, and so far it’s worked just fine. Everyone has been respectful of my privacy and personal space if they noticed that I wasn’t feeding into the conversation or if I said that I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Having a good response definitely has made it easier to talk about Louis.
After Violet was born, that dynamic has changed a bit. Today, when I’m asked if I have children, I’ve had to slightly adjust my answer by saying, “Yes, I have two. A son and a daughter.” But this is where it gets difficult because again, I feel like I’m depressing who’s ever on the receiving end of the conversation. So I make it a point to conclude my answer by saying, “I have a ___ month old, Violet, and I have a son, Louis, but he passed away.” By doing this I avoid any awkward moments, like someone asking me how old they are or do you have any pictures of them.
We try to make it a point every day to let Violet know that she has a brother. We tell her she has a sibling, just not here. We say her brother is up in Heaven and he loves her and watches over her. When she’s old enough, we can tell her what happened. I used to worry about how we would talk to her about Louis, but we’ll just be truthful. I think being honest and not hiding any facts is the best answer.
Richard De Fino, a freelance writer by night, first became a father at age 34. After losing his first-born son Louis, at birth, he was determined to keep his memory alive the best way he knew how; through words. Now, with the birth of his daughter Violet, he plans on continuing to share his fatherhood journey each month with WNY Family readers.